We all have magic healing abilities.
They come from something simple. Available to all humans, no advanced degree required. Simple, but not necessarily easy.
It’s called witnessing.
Not like an eyewitness giving testimony, or someone trying to objectively report on what they have seen.
I’m talking about witnessing from deep within your being, one human meeting another. Without agenda or specific outcome. Paradoxically this agenda-less presence is almost guaranteed to lead to some kind of positive outcome.
Can you remember times or relationships where you were witnessed…or offered that to another? I hope so! It is far too rare in our world.
Whether you have been so blessed…or not…or it has been a while, I invite you to explore this with me, how you could receive or offer it in your life.
Witnessing as I mean it here, is being receptive, present, taking in another person fully….allowing that person to be seen and heard as they are. Without analyzing, without interpreting, judging or superimposing our thoughts and advice.
Witnessing that has breath, space and silence in it. That kind of witnessing can take time. Which reminds me of a favorite quote:
“Nobody sees a flower really; it is so small. We haven’t time.
To see takes time - like to have a friend takes time. ”
- Georgia O'Keeffe
All forms of witnessing bring healing and deeper connection. Used well and with consent, I’ve seen it defuse or derail situations about to go south. I see it in a weekly group sharing circle I attend after my Soul Motion movement class. We are encouraged to share our experience in the moment, it’s not a political or issues oriented circle. But people do share honestly what they are going through.
Recently someone who is Israeli now living in the US, shared her feelings and how her whole world is changed since the war in Gaza began on October 7. She expressed strong feelings and critical thoughts plainly….then others shared different feelings, but not in response or rebuttal, simply as thei own perspective. We all graciously listened, even to things that were painful to hear, and as the circle went on, each person who shared was thanked and acknowledged.
Space was made for whatever people were inspired to say, and they were witnessed with love, but no one directed their comments at the speaker.
We need more of this, and badly, now. So many are feeling isolated, unheard and alone. Or not safe to speak their point of view. Most public discourse these days seems to be people talking or shouting at each other, or trying to dismiss, silence, override or censor the other.
Witnessing is a skill that comes more naturally to empaths and sensitives, but anyone can get better at it with practice. Speaking of practice, my plan is to offer a group, more than one, possibly with a strong element of witnessing and listening with presence. The intention will be to learn and practice it, to get better at it, to intgrate it into our lives and be able to share it with others. And most of all, to receive the healing benefits of being witnessed ourselves. All of which create a healing ripple into the world.
Witnessing is a radical act. It offers a stark contrast and challenge to our social conditioning. We are expected to put on a brave face, or smile, to keep feelings, pains, and problems to ourselves. How we look on the outside, how we fit in and don’t make waves, becomes the priority.
This drives the pain deeper and compounds it. It adds another layer of pain—the pain of feeling alone, that no one else understands or has gone through anything similar. It can make us feel there is something wrong with us, we are different, don’t fit in. Ultimately I think this kind of suppression can even lead to illness and body issues.
The hunger for safe space and the nurturing power of being heard without judgement was immediately apparent to me as I began my healing work. And then made even more obvious when I moved into coaching and leading groups about money issues.
Money is a sensitive area. Such a taboo and often shame filled topic. In order to talk about it and offer a healing space for it, I quickly learned how to create safety. to model compassionate witnessing myself and encourage others to do it also. Those groups turned out be so much fun and also transformational.
Everyone, including me, was happily surprised to discover how good it felt to share honestly. How relieving it was to talk about secrets, weird habits or quirks around money, feelings of inadequacy for not knowing more about finances, for non-functional beliefs inherited from parents or the family lineage.
What a gift, what a healing detox, to bring all the stuff we are NOT supposed to talk about, out into the open and be met, without judgement. Each of us benefitted, every time someone shared bravely and was witnessed and acknowledged. In almost all the sessions, someone would say “Whew, it’s not just me! I’m not alone with this. I feel better just knowing that”, or something similar.
In my life, I know I’m blessed to have received an abundance of witnessing. It has been so healing for me. It continues to help me as I receive witnessing regularly through writing groups and my dance community. For my whole 30 year healing career, it has been a joy, a gift, an honor to offer it to others.
Many significant moments of being witnessed remain vivid for me, still reverberating in me years later. Here’s a fun one, one that had a big impact, likely shortcutting years of therapy.
In this Hakomi method group, the two facilitators role played my parents. Not my parents as they were, but as I would have loved them to be. They were beautiful in their roles and made me feel met and heard. Such a happy thing to be asked “What do you need? How can we help?” And even better knowing they were there to lovingly listen and respond to whatever I might say.
What an awesome way to be witnessed. How many of us long for, and yet how many of us have had such a moment with our parents?
I paused for a second to savor that. And ask myself, “Now that I have their attention, and can ask for anything, what DO I really want?”
One more beat. “I want to raise the roof!”
The ceiling was already quite high in that room. It was probably about 20 feet above us. We were in a large chapel like space at the Creative Life Center in Sedona. But these new parents of mine were totally game. “How do we do that?” they asked.
I said, “Like this..follow me!”
“Let’s take three deep belly breaths, and raise our arms high on each count. One! Two! Three! and UP! Whoosh!
I could swear the roof did rise…we could all feel the energy. A real adrenaline rush for me, a pivotal life changing moment of shifting from feeling deprived, at the mercy of life, to feeling empowered and like a leader.
The energy was clearly raised. And fortunately the actual roof didn’t move an inch.
That experience was a gift, in a rare setting—a setting not so easily duplicated in everyday life. How could this be taken out of a healing workshop setting and practiced, how might we weave it into conversation?
Witnessing takes two to tango—it’s a relationship skill. And the willingness of both people…or one person and a group…to dance together.
First, there’s the person to be witnessed. Putting yourself in a position to ask for being heard, or to receive healing, is a vulnerable act. More so if you’re used to sucking it up, presenting your game face, or just keeping it all to yourself. Why on earth would you even want to put yourself in such a position?
A great question, one you’ll want to answer before experimenting with this.
Maybe you want to try being the witness first. See what that does for you—and the person being witnessed. That may entice you into being witnessed yourself.
It may seem scarier than it actually is, because it’s unfamiliar. Our security minded brains default to the familiar. So, hold it all lightly, consider it as an experiment.
If you are accustomed to not being heard and seen, to not having a safe place to be witnessed, it may be hard to imagine the freedom, relief, healing that is possible.
If you’ve been thirsty for a long time, you might not even know how dehydrated you are…or remember how delicious water can be and how life-giving.
I’ll continue to beckon you in, from over here in the oasis….
Why is witnessing so healing, so effective and worthwhile?
It breaks the code of shame and secrecy…we can then shine a light of compassion and mercy on the things we were afraid to face or name for ourselves, or have others see.
It creates a bond of connection….we are tribal creatures, us human mammals. We are wired for connection…this is how we shelter each other and keep the whole village safe. We come together in our human-ness, our common vulnerability…we release the tyranny of perfection and having to present a smooth flawless image. We come out of the isolation of shame, suppression and self-judgement.
There is even science to back this up….it’s a phenomenon called the “observer effect”. Outcomes in experiments are changed simply by having someone present as observer. In healing, coaching or therapy work, the first step to change—and it is a powerful one—is awareness—being able to identify a feeling, habit, pattern, limiting belief, old story, societal conditioning. It’s pretty hard to change something if we don’t know it’s there!
Here’s how you can get started, and a step by step guide. I look forward to hearing how it goes for you.
Choose a person, situation or group setting where you can practice this. If possible, ask the other person to play along with you.
Begin by releasing any stress, niggling thoughts and blocking distractions, so you can come present. Shaking out your body is a great way to do this. Let your feet and hands move and jiggle. Be like a puppy shaking off water. Then try some deep breathing. In and out through the nose, and into the diaphragm. That’s the most calming and centering way to breathe. Longer exhale than inhale, optionally you can follow a count--4 counts inhale, 6 counts exhale.
Ground and come home to yourself: become aware of your body, notice places of tension (often shoulders, belly, or the jaw), notice sensations. Whether standing or in a chair, feel your feet on the floor.
Begin by choosing who will be witnessed, and who will witness first. Explain the basics. You can invite them to share in a general way, how they are feeling, or share in relationship to a specific situation or condition…
Then, if you are the one witnessing, begin the deep listening. Your “job” is to ‘simply’ be there and be present. Your practice is to be curious and patient, to listen and breathe while the other person is sharing. To do your best to not interrupt.
Notice what it stirs up in you. Do you start to feel impatient, like you are waiting for them to be done? Do you feel the urge to disagree, correct, solve or give advice?
Notice that, be compassionate, and return to your focus on witnessing them.
While they are sharing, be in silence but simple words and relaxed, non-staring eye contact let them know you are listening. Short phrases like “Yes” “I hear you” “I’m listening” “I get it” (don’t explain why) “I’m sorry”…whatever feels appropriate.
No fixing, no interpreting! This is not normal conversation where you switch the focus back to you. It can be (and should be) woven into everyday conversation, but for now, we are practicing pure witnessing.
Listen until they are done (or you can agree in advance on a time frame, like 5 or 10 minutes). Thank them for sharing if that feels authentic. Also, check in verbally, if you are not sure they are done. You might ask, “Are you done?” or “Do you feel complete?” Allow silence after they are done or at least take three breaths.
When you are done, try and exchange or just note for yourself how it went. And I’d love to hear from you directly, or in a comment here.
Could you do it? Did anything come up to block you from trying it out?
What did you discover? Did anything shift for you, or in the person you witnessed? Did something change in your relationship at the time of witnessing, or later on?
What was it like, what did you feel? Anywhere on the spectrum from fun and positive, surprising and pleasant to neutral, even to frustrating, confusing, uncomfortable or negative in some other way. It’s all good, no judgement. It’s all information and grist for the transformational mill.
More to come on this, it’s turning out to be a juicy topic. More refinements and ways to deepen this practice. There’s a whole other world of witnessing practice that is non-verbal, also quite powerful
For starters, this is plenty! A simple practice, but not necessarily familiar, easy or comfortable. Will you give it a go?
Hey you: Can I get a witness?
Witnessing and true presence is so needed and so deeply healing! Also, that’s the first time I’ve heard Hakomi mentioned in many years. In my late 20s, I had such beautiful experiences with it as a client.
I experienced a profound moment of being witnessed recently. I was at the doctor’s office for a checkup, determining whether I could move forward with more fertility treatments after my failed adoption. I rushed through my update about that as well as all my previous pregnancy losses. To my astonishment, my doctor paused, got quiet, and held space for me. Then he asked me to say more--not about my medical history, but about my experience of those things. My grief. And for each agonizing thing I shared, he sat in silence, eyes glued to me, with the most compassionate look on his face. He didn’t rush to fix it, to minimize anything, or to say “Well at least....” He just listened and held me in his gaze. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced quite that level of presence from anyone, let alone a medical professional. All five of my pregnancy losses were treated in a matter-of-fact, clinical way that left me feeling empty and alone. That doctor made me feel seen and held in my grief and pain. He spent an hour with me, including my checkup, which is almost unheard of. There wasn’t the usual rush to move on. I was blown away by his compassionate witnessing, and I will never forget it.